Fuck you Tracy for four years alone. But thank you for being the one to wake me up and realize I deserve a lot better than fuckheads like you....
I was just sitting here cleaning out some old files off my laptop that I don't need anymore or just trying to clear some space and I came across this, what was apparently supposed to be a journal to monitor how I was going to live after I kicked my last boyfriend out of my home back in 2006....
As I was reading, I realized I was far too nice with what I wrote which goes as follows...
Day 1 - May 1, 2006
Packing it all up…
I couldn’t take any more. Today I packed up all of Tracy’s things and placed them by the door, waiting for him to come home, get his stuff and leave. This is probably the worse thing I could have ever done to him and it hurt me so bad. But he hurt me worse than that and I’m so sad that I didn’t know any other way to deal with all the heartache I’ve been feeling in this relationship. I will elaborate more on what led up to this later, but for now I’ll just tell what happened. He came home and found his stuff by the door. He wasn’t happy as no one would have been I’m sure. He told me that I had no right for packing his things up like that and that it was very disrespectful to him… and thinking about it now, I know that he is right. I shouldn’t have kicked him out that way, but it was my heart telling me what to do… not my mind.
So, Tracy grabbed a few bags of clothes I had packed, told me he’d be back tomorrow to get the rest of his stuff and stormed out. I made him give me his phone, but he kept his sim card, but it wouldn’t have done him any good to have it since I had put a suspension on his phone the night before… which is what really led up to me kicking him out… I’ll explain about all that later when I get some time. I broke down crying, but I was mad at the same time. I was confused, hurt, angry, sad, heartbroken. I lost my whole world when he walked out the door. I couldn’t believe I had done what I did. I couldn’t believe I threw away the only love I’ve ever known. I couldn’t believe that he made me feel like I had no other choice.
Day 2 - May 2, 2006
It’s all over…
Tracy came back today to get the rest of this stuff. My poor baby had to get off work early to do that. He was mad about that, and I don’t blame him for that. I put him in a bad situation… but it was bad for me too. We had a big argument, though not a whole lot was said really. Tracy shoved me really hard. I thought he was going to hurt me. I panicked and tried to call 911 but THANK GOD he got a hold of me before I could hit the call button on my cell phone.
So as I said, after he left, I broke down crying. I cried for a good long while. I cried on the couch, then I cried in the hallway. I took a shower, and nearly had a mental breakdown in the tub when I finished showering. It was really sad. I got dressed. Then I went to Burger King for my usual big fish sandwich combo that I always get there. Then I went to the old monkey park to eat and take a walk. I needed some fresh air. While I was out walking I called my friend John out in California and told him that it was over with me and Tracy.
After stumbling across this and realizing what a fool I was to be with that creep in the first place I know that kicking his goddamn ass out was the best thing I ever did for myself. That fucker hurt me and broke my heart after I fed his fat ass, bought him a vehicle to drive, put a roof over his bald head, put clothes on his back, took him out for steak dinners quite often, bought him a cellphone, and put it on my account and paid the bill. That fucker didn't have to worry about a damn thing because I took care of him and what did he do? He took advantage of me because I was too fucking blind to see that he was doing that.
I've been single now for 4 years since that last relationship. Part of the reason for that is because of the ordeal I went through in this last relationship.... not because I got hurt so bad.... but because I developed a severe intolerance for stupidity, lies, cheaters, and cold hearted bastards.
All my life I've been involved with men I should have never been involved with. Tracy was the last straw. The last four years I've taken a break from men and it has been so wonderful to live my own unstressful, no drama life. I don't date, I haven't had sex, I haven't touched a man in four years. It's been a blessing actually. I break I desperately needed.
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